The Big Dilemma

The Big Dilemma

There are times, I am firm and sure I will resign, I am leaving my work in Premium at the soonest possible time. As in I cannot wait! Now na! But there are times I want to stay, I feel I am compelled to stay. I have to stay.

This will be the first time in my kuwentotkuwenta blog to talk about work directly. I believed it’s senseless to rant about work— I mean, it’s something that you do 90 % of the time. Blogging is like a release where you can explore another world, be a different person, at least sounding like one on random pages in cyberspace. But this time, I’ll let it go.

Despite me endlessly ranting about hating the Job order system, saying that satisfying clients’ happiness is not at all fulfilling, I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t enjoy Premium. Why? I got the best of both worlds – both Sports and Entertainment. In Solar, it’s either you’re in one. But me, I’m in both and have learned the systems, the ins and outs of both worlds.

In Premium, I got to meet everyone, as in EVERYONE! Every day, I get to interact with various colleagues from ALMOST ALL DEPARTMENTS in Solar. Whether it be interacting with the EPs in Antipolo (saan mang channel ‘yan), coordinating with Sales, Marketing and Programming people (Sports o Entertainment), the ETC, BTV, 2nd ave, Jack TV, Solar Sports, CS Origin, CS 9, Sci Fi switchers, TOC staff for the NBA/boxing feed, Traffic teams in Antipolo (Kuya Tolayts, naingest po ba lahat) and Makati (Kuya Nap, Tita Mel, pareho ba tayo ng asset code), Graphics Artists in Antipolo, Library (Ed-Gur! Sige na, pa-pull out na ng tapes!), the Requisition department (Ms Malou, Sir Ramir!), Ms Marivic/Kuya Edmund for the tapes, all the loving crew in Antipolo, and of course, the crazy people in Premium department—the largest, most diverse production team in Solar!

Haaaay…..it’s one hell of a roller coaster ride every day. Parang nakaka-hyper na ewan. And believe me, there are times I get the high out of all the kangaragan. And though I sometimes feel my mind doesn’t stop ticking all the time, as long as things are smooth, I feel very content and happy. And I feel happier when one of my staff does a job well done, (Uy ang ganda ng plug! Uy, ang galing, natuwa client! Uy umabot ang premiums sa Live NBA kanina! Walang sabit!)it’s as if I’ve received manna straight from heaven!

These are the reasons why it’s hard for me to let go. ‘Cause there are still these moments, these beautiful moments that sometimes are enough for me to stay—even if I am overworked and underpaid, I don’t mind. I was never the type to value money over fulfillment.

But there are times I just want to drop dead and make the run to the fire exit and disappear- A.S.A.P.!

Sometimes, I think the work in Premium’s as impossible as running from Makati uphill to Antipolo in just 30 minutes! As if fulfillment and perfection are miles and miles away, lost in a misty fog on a rainy afternoon in Antipolo.

There are times I feel so frustrated with people and why can’t they just have done right. Or why can’t they be the best?

For a time, I refused to give up on some people in Premium. I thought, if I can just push them an inch or two, or push them harder, perhaps even hurting them in the process, they will change for the better. But when I wasn’t giving up, I was so unhappy. I end up going home every day, defeated, disappointed. And when I finally gave up, I ended up not caring. But that was not the right thing to do, I know. Funny thing is, when I didn’t care, I was in a state of bliss. Ignorance or blindness is bliss, they say. So until now, I still care.

But God is good. There are people who kept me going. Yung mga sobrang sipag, sobrang dedicated sa work. Na napabilib ako even for a short time. Yung mga hindi ko inakala, pero ang gagaling pala. These are the people –the reasons why I find it hard to leave.

Every time I made a decision to finally resign, I think of them and I suddenly hesitate. Worst of all, change my mind.

Cause these are the people worth fighting for. The very same people I will fight for until the end. Kahit pa-hitman pa ko ng mga nagje-JO….hehehhe… I wouldn’t even care. If I’d have to wait for years to have their salaries increased (and mine too), I wouldn’t care…. Because I would have known, this is my team. Walang bibitaw, sabay-sabay tayong aangat. Kahit bumagyo ng JOs, we will stand still kasi magagaling tayo, kaya natin ‘yan.

Sadly, though, there are only a few of these people.

So, yeah, for the record, I’m straightening it out. I wanted and have been planning to resign not because Premium curtails my creative freedom (this is just one of my rants pero ito nilagay ko sa resignation letter ko), but because of these people not worth fighting for…yung mga pinapabayaang nangangarag na mga kateammates nila, tapos sila they’re just chilling, hanging, pulling the team down… and because of the people (outside our department) who, up to now, do not understand the workings of Production , who has the impression pumepetiks ang ibang tao sa Premium, when in fact eh namamatay na nga sa kakatrabaho….yung hindi marurunong umintindi…

Again, I hold no grudges to anyone. I regret nothing. In being chosen as EP of Premium , I am forever grateful and honored. No job could have given me the most extreme experiences in my working life. In a short time, ang dami kong natutunan….

So, there, my BIG DILEMMA.

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I wait for my replacement? Sinong papalit sa akin? (sana yung taga-Production at hindi marketing/sales side kasi kawawa ang premium kung ganun) Should I wait na ma-assure ako may maayos ako na kapalit bago ako umalis?

When I re-apply in my previous department (CS 9), will things change? Will I be happier, more fulfilled? Am I really cut out to be an EP yet? Or am I much too passionate? Too young? Too naïve?

After weighing all the factors, do I still have a reason to stay?

Have I given up?

Do I still have a reason to stay?

Is it time to give up?